My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Randomize
