the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
