I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
