i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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