if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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