Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
