Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
