but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
