You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
