Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
