You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
