I just threw up on my dentist
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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