Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
