Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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