I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You need a sexual gate keeper
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
