They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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