The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
