I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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