I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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