he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
