Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
