My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
