Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
