just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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