walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
