New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
