no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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