She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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