How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
