I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
