ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
