Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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