if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
