you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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