took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
