Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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