You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
