So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
