I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
