All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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