Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
