There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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