I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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