"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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