I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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