dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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