Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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