i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
