Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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