Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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